He can’t stand that I doodle on lined notebook paper, or on old hotel stationery (in the corner, right on top of the logo, no less), or on bits and pieces of paper and napkins with torn edges and stains. He can’t stand that I doodle merely to keep my fidgety hands occupied, or to keep my usually short attention span focused on something for a change — sketches with no direction and meant to be thrown away. He can’t stand that most of them are thrown away — the quick and easy lines mere scribbles in my eyes, but pieces of art in his eyes. He can’t stand it because even with time, training, and practice, he simply can’t draw a straight line — his words, more or less. You get the idea.

What I can’t stand is that I’m not as good as I want to be. I rue that I never majored in art or took art classes, and I regret the money spent on computer games instead of graphics programs, back in the day. Some days he’ll find me muttering, disgruntled about all the techniques that I don’t know or about how much better other artists are, and he’ll snap, “Well, what do you expect? You never did figure studies like those others did, and that software is still new to you!” It’s a handy excuse that sometimes works for me.

Sometimes.

Of course, there are the days that I sit back from my computer after a somewhat compulsive session of drawing, and I marvel at my own work. “This,” I tell myself with a smile, “has got to be my best yet!” And I post it with the hope and expectation that finally — finally — I’ll have reached a certain level with this one and be viewed as one of those elite, those few who always rank in the top 20 of the most viewed, best ranked, most commented on lists of artists at the forums. Then, without fail, comes the disappointment — when some juvenile Poser boob image next to mine gets more hits than the image that I considered to be my very best, or when some thoughtlessly ambitious twit grades my well-liked image a 9.0 after twelve 10.0’s, without even saying why and without a single word of constructive criticism to help me improve, just so his own image can surpass mine in the “Best Rankings” list.

I know I shouldn’t let it bother me, but it drives me insane. Sometimes it makes me want to stick with my hotel stationery doodles — barely any effort, sketches meant to be thrown away. Other times, it makes me try even harder to do better, which means more compulsiveness at the computer — doodling, in a much higher form.

He prefers that I stay away from the hotel stationery… so here’s my attempt to do better than before.

Naturally, the “tits and ass” Poser image posted right after mine is getting more hits than mine.

*Sigh*

I need to try harder.

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