Have you ever heard the saying so sick you don’t know which end to put at the toilet? Yeah, well I had that this morning after a bit of rice pudding with raisins. The rice pudding was fine last night, but this morning it tasted a bit like it had sour cream in it, and now I know why. It wasn’t any good, and my stomach rebelled.

I almost didn’t go to work today, but after sweating bullets glowing like crazy and ejecting the rice pudding out of both my ears, I collapsed on the bed, slept a while, and woke up an hour or two later feeling fine. Yes, fine. So I went to work.

Later, Human Encyclopedia called to make sure I was okay. I told him I was starving, which was expected, since I expelled my entire breakfast and dessert to whatever hell food goes. So I went and had lunch, and when Human Encyclopedia called up again to check up on me, the conversation went as follows:

H.E.: How do you feel?

April: Okay.

H.E.: How was lunch?

April: Okay.

H.E.: You didn’t like your lunch?

April: It was okay. I wasn’t that hungry.

H.E.: Last time we talked, you said you were starving.

April: Well, yes, I was, but I was afraid to eat anything. Consequently, the food made me feel a little uneasy.

H.E.: [using his television/radio broadcast voice] In the last episode of “A Young Woman’s Life,” April felt a little ill…

[Here, Human Encyclopedia continues his long spiel from some imaginary tv show; i.e.—he is making fun of me, my illness, and my fickle ways. It was okay by me, really. I was only half-paying attention anyway.]

April: What? What are you talking about?

H.E.: I’m talking about the series that is Life.

April: Are you series? What do you mean?

H.E.: [in his best “come on, don’t you get it” voice] I mean the television show that I’m watching, the one that stars a young woman and her cat.

April: Come on. Will you be series?

[Pause. Cue choir of angels singing as he finally gets what I’m saying.]

H.E.: Oh, God. She hit me with a punchline. I’m bleeding. I’m bleeding! She hit me with a punchline!

April: Oh, why won’t you take me series-ly?!

H.E.: Aaarrgh!

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