Yeah, I’m surrounded by comedians.

At work, I get the web programmer greeting me with a smile and a “Hey! How’s my favorite girl in the art department today?”

I always smile back and tell him, “Great! But I’m the only girl in the art department.”

“Well, that’s why you’re my favorite!”

After work, it’s a little bit different. The human encyclopedia likes to water down familiar songs by singing them with twisted lyrics:

Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you, if you’re young and hard…

Fairies, too, can get tail, and it’s often on sale on the boulevard…

Yank my doodle, it’s a dandy…

Nothing could be finer than to be in your vagina in the morning.
Nothing could be sweeter than my sweetie when I eat her in the morning…

It’s gotten to the point where I’ve started messing with lyrics whenever I’m in the mood to sing. I once got so sick and tired of God Bless America that I started singing, “God Bless Angelica, dame that I love.”

Too bad we never think to write these down. There were plenty of other twisted songs that have passed through our lips (“Afghanistan” for Oklahoma, for instance, or “My God will beat up your God” for Hava Nagila), but we forgot them soon afterwards because they were improvisations uttered merely in fun.

It’s a good idea to know the meaning of whatever alternative lyrics you’re using, though. The human encyclopedia once told me about a man who “sucked a barrel,” and not realizing that it meant the man committed suicide by shooting a gun into his mouth, I started singing Go suck a barrel, we’ll have a barrel of fun like the idiot that I am.

Needless to say, my singing outburst was met with an awkward silence. Tough crowd, huh?

I guess I don’t do very well as a comedic word man. I get my foot stuck in my mouth.

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