Survey Questions From A To Z

Survey Questions From A To Z

My cousin Zee, the movie star, can beat up your cousin Zee, the nobody. Last year my good friend Janine sent me one of those chain letter e-mail forward things that either promise undying puppy love or eternal blue-ball celibacy, one that listed a lot of personal questions and her own answers to each of them. I was supposed to replace her answers with mine and send it back to her, as well as to a whole new list of people who could provide their own answers, true or false; the purpose, I’m sure, was to find out more about the people who participate. Well, Zee was one of those to whom I sent this because I really wanted to know more about the cousin who, I remembered, once measured her boobs with a wooden ruler while she was on her hands and knees (Hey, Zee! Do you remember that?), and here, posted with her permission, are the answers she sent me:

  1. Living arrangement?
    Husband and boyfriend agree to alternate nights based on a previously agreed upon schedule.
  2. What book are you reading now?
    Well, I was reading Who Moved My Cheese, but someone moved it and now I can’t find it.
  3. What’s on your mouse pad?
    My mouse doesn’t use pads, she uses tampons.
  4. Favorite board game?
    Operation. I get to use the skills I learn from ER and First Watch.
  5. Favorite magazines?
    The kind where you say you read it for the article but you’re actually snickering at the pics.
  6. Babies?
    Grilled with a hearty BBQ sauce.
  7. Favorite sound?
    When annoying people stop talking to take a breath.
  8. Worst feeling in the world?
    When he rubs you this way, not THAT way.
  9. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?
    “God damn you, I said GET OFF me!!”
  10. Favorite color?
    Shoe imprint black in the seat of your pants.
  11. How many rings before you answer the phone?
    One. Preferably 2 carat, non-cubic-zirconia.
  12. Future child’s name?
    I will affectionately call him or her “Booboo” since we don’t plan on having anymore.
  13. What is most important in life?
    To be able to laugh, especially at another’s expense.
  14. Favorite foods?
    I’m partial to Family Feud.
  15. Chocolate or vanilla?
    I don’t like flavored panties. They itch.
  16. Do you like to drive fast?
    Yes. Then smoke a fatty afterward.
  17. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
    Yes, I’m SO into taxidermy.
  18. Storms—cool or scary?
    Geo Storms SUCK! No leg room at all!!
  19. If you could meet one person dead or alive, who would it be?
    Anna Nicole Smith. I would prefer her dead.
  20. Favorite alcoholic drink?
    Yes.
  21. What is your zodiac sign?
    “Turn left at Uranus.”
  22. Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
    Only if they’re clean shaven.
  23. If you could have one job in the world, what would it be?
    I’m torn between two…Hand Job would be Matt Damon…Blow Job would be Ben Affleck.
  24. If you dyed your hair, what color would you pick?
    Not into dying my hair. I prefer Brazilians.
  25. Have you ever been in love?
    Yes. Especially when they pay me right away.
  26. Is the glass half empty or half full?
    Who the fuck cares? Get me another beer!!
  27. Favorite movies?
    Any that encourage audience participation, like Rocky Horror or, well, porn.
  28. Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?
    No, only on the left keys.
  29. What’s under your bed?
    Evidence.
  30. Favorite sport to watch?
    Nascar, so that I can count the mullets.
  31. Say one nice thing about the person who sent this to you:
    She doesn’t suck, that I know of. But you might ask her boyfriend…

I’m telling you. I have the best cousins in the world.

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30 thoughts on “Survey Questions From A To Z”

  1. HOLY COW!!! I measured my boobs that way?!? I can honestly say I don’t remember that! Thank goodness I didn’t have to get on all fours for the plastic surgeon when I got the boob reduction a few years ago! Phew!!

  2. Yep, lol. I remember it clearly. Leo was there, comparing your measurements to his measurements, go figure. I think BJ was there, too. She might not remember it, though.

  3. Wherever I go its the same picture.Its always
    Boobs In my face
    Maybe its bcos Boobs and me bonded together.
    Happy Boobs day
    And dont get Boobytrapped!!

  5. A wonderful post to wake up to this morning! I needed a really good laugh, and I got one! Thanks April!

  6. Hm, thanks for the warning, VJ; I’ll try not to get boobytrapped.

    Parl and Broch, thank you. 😀
    But it was really all Zee’s doing.

  8. your cousin is much more [insert any amazingly talented attribute here] than any of my cousins.

    too funny! thanks!

  9. Yes I agree, your cousin Zee could beat up my non-existant imaginary cousin Zee in a heart beat! She’s much more creative too!

  10. Is your funny cousin willing to take on a third lovemaking partner, the boyfriend between the husband and boyfriend between the standup? I’ll counterbalance her gleeful wit with stick-in-the-mud stability and repetitive
    impressions of Jerry Lewis speaking French with marbles in his mouth that could only reassure her that she’s safe with me. Just feel she needs to be rounded out by my poetry about everything suicidal and nothing real on t.v. but the Osbournes and The Bachelor, that’s all…

    You know I’ve been trying to marry into your family for years, April, and here you’ve been hiding this chick as zippy and humorous as well as more than willing to copulate on any cling-free surface like we did against your refrigerator on our first date.

    Love,

    Lace

  12. Moi, je ne jouis pas les Francais, surtout le monsieur Lewis qui est grand comme le ballon ou le cochon…OINK!

    Merci monsier Lace pour l’offre, mais non merci.

    (Mon amant ne pas present ici…il est le garcon qui mouvez mon libre "Qui Movez Mon Fromage?" et je bottez son ane la bas.)

    Vite! Utilisez son dictionnaire!

    Alors!
    Cousin Zed

  13. Hi Lace,
    dont know if you actually copulated on a cling free surface,
    but you certainly copulate the way you write. 😉
    Would be glad to have a look at you copulatin(mean writin) hopefully on a cling free surface.
    I dont like anythin clingin on to me. Yuk!!

  14. Hi April,
    guess 2 many people copulatin out here, no wonder. People are certainly boobytrapped and In french too.Thank heavens you did not mention the size.
    Need a break from french OINKs and valentine copulations and Zee Boobs.

  15. Moi, je ne jouis pas les Francais, surtout le monsieur Lewis qui est grand comme le ballon ou le cochon…OINK!

    Merci monsier Lace pour l’offre, mais non merci.

    (Mon amant ne pas present ici…il est le garcon qui mouvez mon libre "Qui Movez Mon Fromage?" et je bottez son ane la bas.)

    Vite! Utilisez son dictionnaire!

    Alors!
    Cousin Zed

  17. Wow. This is what I get for not checking my e-mail and web site in almost 24 hours.

    Minnie, Pam, and Appleshell, thank you for the compliment to my family! 🙂

    Lace, my old friend, we actually dated? Good God, and here I thought that was just a drug-induced dream that I had one night. As cousin Zed has Frenchly commented, she’s already spoken for, but rest assured that I have many more cousins (and a sister!) who are just as zippy. You know how those Filipino Catholics are. 😉

    But I agree with VJ; you certainly have a way with words. 🙂

  18. Cousin Zed ,

    Le lard et le Fromage sont bons avec un film par Jarry ou Jerry.
    Je n’a pas de dentelle pour les souliers, seulement l’amour pour
    l’avril et sa peau verte.

    Adios!

    Monsier Lacey Briefs

  19. Hello VJ,

    To sort of paraphrase Nietzsche (one of April’s favorite authors she fails to tell her chick friends because of his Germanic moroseness and seriousness, and besides, she tells me privately she thinks all her girlfriends wouldn’t dig his sheepdog mustache like she does, yes she actually uses the slang "dig", at least in her emails to me but I’m never going back to her if I have my way because yes she is a dynamic muse but that word to a burned lover like me almost sounds like medusa, naw, she won’t mention Nietzsche instead she’ll make a claim to rereading S.E. Hinton, especially "The Outsiders," though I think it’s the film she saw and she never got through that "very wise book," and she only saw the film due to scriptwriter connections and don’t even get her started about Ayn Rand or it’ll be The Fountainhead-this and The Fountainhead-that, that’s how she spoiled my last party, my birthday party mind you and we had to give it up to Ayn Rand so at your next party bring some board games to keep her off the topic–and off the refrigerators–she’s a refrigerator-loving woman that had a tush that made appliances defrost, if only that bottom could griddle flapjacks, at least back in those days just after Jim Baker was caught, back when she could make love at such a long stretch it would make Route 66 seem a stroll or dalliance in comparison, and what is sweetest about April is how she can take a joke just by explaining her daily life here in her unblog blog, being she missed April’s Fools Day by sheer grace, or maybe irony, ain’t God the most ironic? but anyways, Nietzsche said, or maybe it was April):

    "What doesn’t cling to me–makes me stronger…"

    Reading "Thus Spake Zarathustra" in my Valentine boxers…

    Lace

  21. Uh… hm.

    Minnie, dear, Lace is an old friend from a writing forum I used to frequent, not H.E.

    Lace? Has someone been impersonating me to you? Or have I grown senile in my old age? Ev mentioned having sent a camel to me by FedEx, and I never got it, so I think perhaps I’ve forgotten quite a lot of stuff.

  22. Heck… I don’t think I’ve even read any of the authors you mentioned. I’m reading a very tame Emma by Jane Austen right now.

  25. I can totally understand. Lace confuses me sometimes, too. As long as I’ve known his online persona, he’s still very much a riddle to me.

  26. April Dearest,

    I hope you’re doing swell. I haven’t been in that writing forum much in the last couple years, but I did take a look the other day, saw your sweet self had mailed Ev some stuff during the war–it only proves how good you are.

    You and Ev and a couple of others from that forum were quite real people, talented people, and so from time to time I can’t help but think of you all, and you are on my favorites list, though I hadn’t been back since last time I posted, so I thought I’d hail you instead of St. Mary.

    You still look pretty in green skin, sort of a bride of Frankenstein, medusa green, and you’re really rocking with the computer art. Loved the doppelganger of yourself standing before Yin and Yang. Extremely sexy, and then, the ramifications…

    And I admired your essay about bravery (I wouldn’t call it cowardice; we can be nervous as long as we confront our dragons). It gave me a lot to think about. By the way, did you select the quotes along the sides of each essay? The Augustine one on sickness was cool, but then I tilt more toward the dark with myself, and he encourages Catholic hysteria, you know, anchorites living in the walls of churches, receiving paltry food through a slot and imprisoned forever as a piece of architecture. Talk about a drive for immortality!

    I was teasing you about Nietzsche’s sheepdog mustache; I think it was Dali’s mustache you admired because you wanted to sit on his lap and watch the bulls dance with the matadors, though the most famous mustache in history has to be Hitler’s, then Chaplin’s. One could crop a photo of a bit of nose and mustache off Hitler, with nothing else shown, and one should recognize evil personified. Dali did such in a painting. And I wonder if Christ really had a mustache and beard, looking Amish, or are the Amish trying to look Rabbinical? And how come Spanish women seem to grow mustaches easier than other women, especially after the age of 45?

    Such night thoughts you inspire in me, April, when I’m not thinking of you alone; I kiss your palm, the kiss of peace, hoping the dove never leaves you or this world of enchantment…

    Lace

  27. I am flushed!!
    In the morn the flush was not workin proper, Now i need no more flush again.;)
    adieus Lace
    au revoir April

  28. Lace,

    Raining used Catch 22s on Ev was the least that I could do after getting his permission to publish his story and considering the fact that he was out there defending us from some imaginary boogey man.

    You, Ev, and Creppy were always my favorites at the forum, but what a strange little clique we must have seemed in other people’s eyes, like some wannabe Algonquin Round Table.

    Thank you about the art and the writing; they’re my babies, and your words make me beam like a proud mama. I always wondered why you didn’t maintain the site you once had, the one with all of your own art and writings. Did you lose interest in it? Did you give up on e-mail too? Drop me a line sometime, if you feel like it; correspondence by comments is a bit like writing on postcards.

    Oh, and yes, I selected the quotes myself; I wanted to make sure that each of them addressed the same topic as the essay it accompanied.

    And mustaches? I have honestly never thought much about them. Having a tiny bit of Spanish blood in me, I wouldn’t be surprised if I grew one upon my 45th birthday. I suspect I would look a bit like Frida Kahlo, which is okay by me.

    I’m pleased to know that I inspire nice thoughts. They are ever so much more preferable than, well, not-so-nice ones.

    P.S.—I think your letter scared VJ away.

  29. lol,
    No April, Nothin scares me, nuthin but me.
    But feel really very happy to find somethin after such a long time, been searchin for this for dont know how long.
    will write back, but need dig deep, resources are low.
    And Lace
    au revoir 2 u too
    thats one of the few french words I learnt from another wonderful gal.

    And yesterday was great,
    This Pygmalion found her Galatea,
    But had the courage to refuse.
    Or should i sat ‘Atlas Shrugged’.
    adieus senor Lace

  30. its supposed to be
    ‘this pygmalion found his galatea’
    and should i ‘say’ this ‘Atlas Shrugged’
    sorry for the faux paus
    started after a long long time
    close to 9 yrs

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