I watched Shrek yesterday, and one of the main characters is a donkey, opening the movie up for a lot of “ass” jokes. The jokes were hilarious, and they reminded me of a time I hadn’t thought about in ages…

…I was 11 years old, and dictionaries didn’t have “bad” words like “fuck” and “shit” between their covers, as though by leaving the words out, the words didn’t really exist. Being the kid that I was, I looked in the dictionary anyway for these words and was able to find only three of what I considered to be the major five.

“Bastard” wasn’t so bad, being only “an illegitimate child”. I wasn’t even sure how that could be considered bad at all, especially if the person being called a bastard was an illegitimate child.

“Bitch” was even more confusing to me because, according to the dictionary, it was merely “a female dog”. Obviously, those people who called women bitches didn’t know the true definition of the word.

The word “ass”, however, confused me most of all. All that I got from the dictionary was that it meant “donkey”, and I could not fathom what donkeys had to do with anything bad.

In hindsight, the dictionary failed me, but at the time, I was certain that I had finally and resourcefully debunked these mysteriously “bad” words. I thought I was the only kid on the block who truly knew what those words meant, and I considered myself sufficiently armed with that knowledge. I was content to leave it at that.

Weeks later, though, I heard a commotion from outside my house. My younger sister had apparently gotten into a yelling match with a boy from across the street. I couldn’t tell what they were fighting about, but whatever it was, I was sure that my sister was on the right side of it. I ran to her aid, enraged that the boy would dare yell at her, and I shoved her behind me and faced the boy. This wasn’t my first time playing champion for the younger kids; I’d been in a number of scrapes with boys who I thought were harrassing my younger cousins, but I was older and wiser now, and I didn’t look forward to getting involved in any physical altercation.

Whatever happened, I was going to win this one with words.

…But the boy fought dirty in our verbal swordplay. He immediately began using a “bad” word. “If you don’t shut up,” he shouted, “I’ll kick yo’ ass!”

Ha! If I weren’t so angry at him, I would have laughed. There he was with all his bravado, and I would have bet he didn’t even know what he was saying. I mean, why threaten to kick a donkey I don’t have?

“Oh, yeah?!” I shouted back, “and what if I don’t have one?”

“WHAT?!” he said.

“What if I don’t have an ass?” I said again, as though I were saying, “Or else what?”

The boy stood stunned for a second, not knowing what to say or think. Then the dawn of realization lit up his face, and he laughed. He laughed at me, and I could feel the scorn. I realized then that I wasn’t armed as well as I thought I was.

I don’t remember what else happened after that. Perhaps his mother called him in at that time, settling the matter for us. But I’ll never forget that look on his face when I said what I said, or that feeling that I had when I realized how stupid he must have thought I was.

Hmm…It’s probably why I laugh so hard at “ass” jokes today.

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