I learned somewhere that the legend of Santa Claus began with a young man who threw a golden ball filled with gifts into a transom, and the golden ball landed in a stocking that had been hung up to dry. If that were to happen in this day and age, I imagine that the golden ball would be viewed with suspicion, just as Halloween candy is often viewed with suspicion. Aside from that, no one would be hanging stockings up to dry over by a transom; they’d most likely be hung in the shower stall instead, and no transoms would be left open because houses aren’t built that way any more.

If Santa were to go around spreading cheer on the night before Christmas, I imagine that his nightly visits would be more like the visit of Marcus’ intruder.

Santa, a thief, a terrorist? It’s possible. Santa is an anagram for Satan, right? He might just very well be a threat to our national security. Why else would NORAD be tracking him? Why else indeed?

How much of a saint can he be, anyway? He only works one day out of the entire year, and he obviously has eating problems. I’m certain he overworks his elves, who, judging by their size, probably shouldn’t even be working for more than four hours per day anyway. Not only that, but there has to be something completely unnatural about his fastidious list-keeping, most especially if they’re lists of children’s names, which I’m sure every pedophile dreams of seeing and copying. Doesn’t anyone bother to wonder why he has so many of those same children sit on his lap at the malls? Egad! Plus, he has a beard, and surely that means he’s a terrorist. [Of course, if you’re like Dooce, scrumptious bearded Santa could very well be the ideal man with which to make many, many babies.]

Ohh… look at me, besmirching the name of Santa Claus… on the eve of Christmas, no less. No doubt I’ll put myself on the naughty list with all this last minute musing, so forget I said anything deserving of a lump of coal. I didn’t say anything bad about Santa, and even if I did, I didn’t mean it. It was all in good fun. Besides…

Santa Claus is the bomb.

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