I once read a short story about a man who could go back in time using only his mind¹. He would set out to do something -- become a rock star or president for a few years -- and then when he got bored he would go back to a certain point in his life and start over again. It was like the life he lived after that point had never happened -- the events completely erased -- but in his mind the memories were still with him, so that he had the advantage of foreknowledge. It made me envious.

Some of you may have seen a movie with a similar story -- "Groundhog's Day" with Bill Murray. In the movie, Murray's character lives through title holiday over and over again until he gets it right, and throughout the entire process he manages to learn how to play a musical instrument, make friends with the entire town, become a local hero, and make love to all the women in the vicinity except for one -- the one he finally wins over in the end, after he's lived another lifetime in the span of one day and has changed himself into a better, more ideal man.

The ability to live life over again knowing what I know now is probably the one thing I truly covet. All else pales in comparison because recovering that lost time would give me access to everything else I ever wanted in life -- knowledge, experience, skills and even material things.

For instance, if I could live my life over again, I'd ignore my family's advice to be practical. I'd fearlessly pursue a career in art and design, going to the right schools and networking with the right people, so that today I wouldn't be merely an "Imaging Specialist" but perhaps an "Art Director", "Digital Artist", or "Computer Animator".

This is not to say that I couldn't be all those things now, since I have a raw talent and desire within me, untrained and unfocused; it just would have been wonderful to have already taken the risks I never took for fear of the failure that my family assured me was looming. I would have by now learned techniques from pros, acquired certain graphics software skills and tricks, and gained the experience beneath my belt to apply for a better position in the industry at this moment.

If I could live my life over again, I'd learn how to play musical instruments other than the piano. I'd do activities in school other than the ones I did, just to try my hand at everything. I'd do over the times I've regretted and change them for the better -- not say words I've said but shouldn't have, not do things I've done but shouldn't have... Or better yet, say the words and do the things I didn't but should have said and done. I would even experience again the times I've enjoyed, just for the pure pleasure of reliving the great moments in my life.

This fanciful wish of mine can't ever be granted. Yet really, is it necessary? If I'm persistent enough I can gain whatever knowledge, position, or skill I want by starting now. By living under a higher standard, I can do my best to right whatever wrongs I've done, make up for whatever humiliations I've been through, and succeed at whatever I've failed before now.

Still... there's that time already spent, that youth lost. I long for the Hindu belief in reincarnation to be made real in a single lifetime, as a voluntary thing. Wouldn't it be wonderful? It would be like practicing life until you got it perfect.

I realize that it's the pain and the hardship in life that makes us who we are, but I wouldn't really lose all that; those experiences would remain in my mind as memories, and I would still be the same person inside, the same soul -- as bitten and burned in the last life as in the first. I would simply get a chance to better myself in the way souls are supposedly able to do so in purgatory, only I'd get to do it here and now, in this lifetime and at my discretion.

This is what I covet -- an impossible dream. By sharing it with you, I've probably revealed more about who I am as a person than mere words can ever do. One, I'm a perfectionist. Two, I'm afraid to take risks. Three, I live a lifetime of regret.

I'm not alone. I know there are others.

Welcome to what is called the land of shoulda-coulda-woulda. When you're old enough, you'll understand.